Featured in our New Lyre - Summer 2023 issue
I lie awake at night and count the stars
that cluster, cluttering the sky and mind
with numbers vast and overwhelming. Mars
portends debilitating doubt. Unkind
anxiety. Distrusting each unwise
decision made, regrets yet pile and grow
with every passing second. Lists surmise
a wasted life, designed to reach plateau.
You lie beside me hand in hand, your warmth
gets passed from fingers clasped and radiates
desire. Your stillness penetrates the storm
and guides me back into your arms, creates
the space to realize doubts are wasted hours
we’re meant to spend together under stars.
Susan Botzet lives in Ventura, California with her husband and is pursuing her MFA in Creative Writing at Mount Saint Mary’s University in Los Angeles.
I like the way certain lines end the way they do, with periods jammed in the ground like iron stakes. "Mars portends debilitating doubt." I love that phrase. Ares was the very embodiment of the ambivalence of life to the ancient Greeks, which this poem captures.
The dangling participle in line 5, is also confusing.
"Distrusting each unwise decision made..." I suspect what is meant is "regretting..." but then still the participle dangles. Both syntax and meaning in that patch snag.
"Lists surmise..." also is problematic.
I think I'd also prefer "We lie together hand in hand........"
I lie awake at night and count the stars
that cluster, cluttering the sky and mind
with numbers vast and overwhelming. Mars
portends debilitating doubt. Unkind
anxiety. Distrusting each unwise
decision made, regrets yet pile and grow
with every passing second. Lists surmise
a wasted life, designed to reach plateau.
You lie beside me hand in hand, your warmth
gets passed from fingers clasped and radiates
desire. Your stillness penetrates the storm
and guides me back into your arms, creates
the space to realize doubts are wasted hours
we’re meant to spend together under stars.