I like the way certain lines end the way they do, with periods jammed in the ground like iron stakes. "Mars portends debilitating doubt." I love that phrase. Ares was the very embodiment of the ambivalence of life to the ancient Greeks, which this poem captures.
The dangling participle in line 5, is also confusing.
"Distrusting each unwise decision made..." I suspect what is meant is "regretting..." but then still the participle dangles. Both syntax and meaning in that patch snag.
"Lists surmise..." also is problematic.
I think I'd also prefer "We lie together hand in hand........"
I disagree. Particularly with regard to the volta, which works perfectly well by introducing the surprise of a completely new person. (Also this way it avoids the double-entendre on 'lie'.) I just wish the verses were written out as separate verses. Or at least the octet was separated from the sestet. I think if that were done then many of your misgivings would be assuaged.
However I remain slightly unsure of the half-rhyme in the last couplet. I realise the importance of repeating the 'stars' from the first line. But even so the half-rhyme slightly jars. Perhaps because all the other rhymes have been so close to perfect.
I gather that the distrusting regrets and surmising lists gave you no pause then. Or the bedmate with his hands together. I'm not sure either, now that I look again, about a "life designed to reach plateau." A chacun son gout.
I like the way certain lines end the way they do, with periods jammed in the ground like iron stakes. "Mars portends debilitating doubt." I love that phrase. Ares was the very embodiment of the ambivalence of life to the ancient Greeks, which this poem captures.
The dangling participle in line 5, is also confusing.
"Distrusting each unwise decision made..." I suspect what is meant is "regretting..." but then still the participle dangles. Both syntax and meaning in that patch snag.
"Lists surmise..." also is problematic.
I think I'd also prefer "We lie together hand in hand........"
I lie awake at night and count the stars
that cluster, cluttering the sky and mind
with numbers vast and overwhelming. Mars
portends debilitating doubt. Unkind
anxiety. Distrusting each unwise
decision made, regrets yet pile and grow
with every passing second. Lists surmise
a wasted life, designed to reach plateau.
You lie beside me hand in hand, your warmth
gets passed from fingers clasped and radiates
desire. Your stillness penetrates the storm
and guides me back into your arms, creates
the space to realize doubts are wasted hours
we’re meant to spend together under stars.
I disagree. Particularly with regard to the volta, which works perfectly well by introducing the surprise of a completely new person. (Also this way it avoids the double-entendre on 'lie'.) I just wish the verses were written out as separate verses. Or at least the octet was separated from the sestet. I think if that were done then many of your misgivings would be assuaged.
However I remain slightly unsure of the half-rhyme in the last couplet. I realise the importance of repeating the 'stars' from the first line. But even so the half-rhyme slightly jars. Perhaps because all the other rhymes have been so close to perfect.
I gather that the distrusting regrets and surmising lists gave you no pause then. Or the bedmate with his hands together. I'm not sure either, now that I look again, about a "life designed to reach plateau." A chacun son gout.